Recently I was sitting at the airport waiting for my 6 PM connecting flight to the Bahamas to go fishing with an all female, topless crew. When I was joined on the three person bench by two seemingly random people. As I was reading my love letters from all around the globe, I looked to see who my new fellow travelers were. I couldn't believe it, it was Flava Flav and Corey Feldman! This had to be a mistake. But I couldn't just sit there and ignore them. So I threw out a test. This was the dialogue that followed:
(I'll mark who said what by the following markers. Me=BA. Flava Flav=DB. Corey Feldman=GD.)
BA- Yeeeeeaaaaaaa....
DB- Booooooyyyyyy!
BA- I knew it was you Flav. I knew it.
DB- I though I recognized you, Jeff! What brings you to the airport?
GD- I'm Corey Feldman.
BA- Whatever dude.
BA- Well, I'm on a whirlwind adventure. Galavanting throughout the world and what not.
DB- Wow, that's quite interesting. Whereabouts are you traveling today?
GD- I was in the Goonies.
BA- You were a pussy in that movie Feld. A PUSSY. I want you to apologize to me.
GD- No.
BA- Flav, we gotta kick this guys ass.
DB- Oh, I'm not so sure. I tend to practice non violence. Maybe we could have a sip of Cognac and meditate?
BA- You're adorable. Do you want to go the Bahamas and participate in some debauchery?
DB- I'm actually on my way to visit the middle east. I'm gonna do a little peace talking, and hopefully resolve the silly issues they have over there.
BA- You're noble as fuck. Did you know that? You should be a prince.
GD- I'll go.
BA- No you won't. You weren't invited.
GD- PPLLLLEEEAAASSSSE?
BA- I guess you were in Stand By Me. *siiiigggghhh* Ok, but you're carrying my shit.
At this point Flava stands up and announces he has to go. I'm sorry to see him leave, but he's an important person with things to do.
GD-Yea! Lets party!
BA- You shut the fuck up Feldman. I'm leaving you here, I just wanted to look cool in front of Flav.
GD- But...I'm famous.
BA- Yea but the asian kid and the fat hobbit blew you out of the water in the Goonies man, thats unforgivable.
(YOU GOT SIBLINGS, AND I DON'T LIKE IT!) < Completely unrelated. 10 points for what it's from though.
GD- You're right. I'm sorry.
BA- That's all I wanted.
We spent the next two weeks hang-gliding between various islands. Running drugs and dropping eggs on boats. But, the whole time I couldn't help but think. I wonder what Flav's doing?
Moral of the story. Lay off Flava Flav you assholes. He's fucking awesome.
Monday, March 24, 2008
Saturday, March 22, 2008
Americas Next Top Badass
Friends, we need to have another talk. This time about one Mr. Chuck Norris. Yea it's true a few years ago it was funny to spout out random tid-bits about Mr. Norris. But really, come one now, that joke is more dead than Heath Ledger(too soon?). Sure Walker Texas Ranger was a hit in the rural Texas towns because, well they're idiotic. But we need to shut this shit down now. For too long have these increasingly annoying and played out jokes been shoveled down our throats by the very people we only talked to because they knew Chuck Norris jokes. Enough! You don't see people walking down the road busting a Macarena in your face right? Right, that's because if you did that, you would meet the front end of a Buick. I'm not saying they're not funny, they're really not, but we need to move on to someone who's actually a bad ass. I've compiled a list of a few people who would be worthy replacements and why.
Jean-Claude Van Damme- Bloodsport
Bruce Campbell- He was born, thats enough
Me- I'm awesome
Arnold Schwarzenegger- Body builder, terminator, tool, governator, Conan The Barbarian
James Maynard Keenan- I imagine he's close to 10 feet tall
Britney Spears- The only step she can take from drug addicted, washed up, neglectful whore mother is either bounty hunter or bad ass
Dog the Bounty Hunter- Come on, no reason necessary
Jeff Corwin- I would have put Steve Irwin, but he's dead
Kyle Asmundson- I once watched him eat one of those glass bottles full of sand your relative buys you for christmas. Art my ass, it was a snack
Marty McFly/Doc Brown- Unstoppable time traveling duo
Fieval- He went west and kicked some major ass
Douglas Adams- Fuck off if you don't think
Carl Sagen- Schrödinger's reincarnation bitch. Not really, but he knows a lot about space and thats cool
Now, I'm not saying the replacement should be specifically one of these people. But someone of a similar nature. Someone that can, Bruce Willis, crash a motorcycle into a helicopter. There are a couple people that shouldn't ever be considered, ever.
Martha Stewart- Fuck that bitch
Your mom jokes- Never, ever, ever utter a your mom joke
Kyle Asmundson- He wears rubber underwear
Aladdin- He's not real
Steve Jobs/Bill Gates- Douche/Douche.
Have an abnormal day.
Jean-Claude Van Damme- Bloodsport
Bruce Campbell- He was born, thats enough
Me- I'm awesome
Arnold Schwarzenegger- Body builder, terminator, tool, governator, Conan The Barbarian
James Maynard Keenan- I imagine he's close to 10 feet tall
Britney Spears- The only step she can take from drug addicted, washed up, neglectful whore mother is either bounty hunter or bad ass
Dog the Bounty Hunter- Come on, no reason necessary
Jeff Corwin- I would have put Steve Irwin, but he's dead
Kyle Asmundson- I once watched him eat one of those glass bottles full of sand your relative buys you for christmas. Art my ass, it was a snack
Marty McFly/Doc Brown- Unstoppable time traveling duo
Fieval- He went west and kicked some major ass
Douglas Adams- Fuck off if you don't think
Carl Sagen- Schrödinger's reincarnation bitch. Not really, but he knows a lot about space and thats cool
Now, I'm not saying the replacement should be specifically one of these people. But someone of a similar nature. Someone that can, Bruce Willis, crash a motorcycle into a helicopter. There are a couple people that shouldn't ever be considered, ever.
Martha Stewart- Fuck that bitch
Your mom jokes- Never, ever, ever utter a your mom joke
Kyle Asmundson- He wears rubber underwear
Aladdin- He's not real
Steve Jobs/Bill Gates- Douche/Douche.
Have an abnormal day.
The Godfather Complex
Ok, so I guess I'll have to say it.
As a member of the Male race, it's time you know.
Godfather...fucking blows. Actually it's such a terrible movie that people feel compelled to show off their collections of it. You see it's sort of a male right of passage. Usually this:
"Dude I just got the super platinum excel 5000 billion edition of Godfather, I'm awesome!"
"...fag."
Listen, Godfather came out years ago to a different generation. So as generation...awesome...lets cut the shit off at the source. Don't spread that stupid shit everywhere knowing full well if you put it on noone will actually want to sit and watch that borefest. Instead let's have our OWN badass movie. How about Boondock Saints? I know you guys can't disagree with that.
So, Godfather, fuck you you're out. Boondock, take a seat friend, you've made it.
As a member of the Male race, it's time you know.
Godfather...fucking blows. Actually it's such a terrible movie that people feel compelled to show off their collections of it. You see it's sort of a male right of passage. Usually this:
"Dude I just got the super platinum excel 5000 billion edition of Godfather, I'm awesome!"
"...fag."
Listen, Godfather came out years ago to a different generation. So as generation...awesome...lets cut the shit off at the source. Don't spread that stupid shit everywhere knowing full well if you put it on noone will actually want to sit and watch that borefest. Instead let's have our OWN badass movie. How about Boondock Saints? I know you guys can't disagree with that.
So, Godfather, fuck you you're out. Boondock, take a seat friend, you've made it.
Monday, March 3, 2008
Space Camp
Lets discover an alternate timeline. Where we split off would be a question of debate. But I think for the sake of imagination we'll say the somewhere around the moon landing.
So we travel through space on our rocket. Its a pretty neat rocket. And relatively fun. Save for the 3 or more hours a day working out to keep our bone density up, combating the zero gravity. And the space walks above a ridiculously gigantic, not quite infinite, abyss. The constant research, and eating food as it flows past you. Also, and the best part, the sub atomic particles and individual elemental molecules shooting around leftover from the big bang (or big bounce) supernovas, and stars and exploding planets. Probably the back end of black-holes that are quite possibly from another dimension. Ah, and these particles are moving fast. They'll flow right through your body without much notice. Except if they hit your eye, in which case you'll see the explosion on your eye. Oh and the space debris, heaps and heaps of trash, left behind from other missions, dead satellites, meteorites etc. These things are floating around and a good rate of speed inside our orbit just ready and waiting to fuck your shit up.
Then, zim zam zazzle, we're on the moon. Yea you can prance around in the no gravity, not to high, or you will literally never be heard from again. We pick up a few rocks, and some sandy moon dust. They won't really say what else they did up there. Did you know that the russians were the first to put a fucking rover on the moon, and it was basically a tank? Anyway, where should we split our timeline off. How about right when we get back to the orbiter. Having brought our lander safely back from the surface, we dock and get ready to go home. We didn't know a fuel line was fucked, really we didn't. The thrusters gets hit, to much gas. But this is different. We would notice a definite instability in the actual air itself at this point. I say air loosely because, as I'm assuming we all know, there is no air in space, there is literally nothing. Well dark matter but we don't know what that is so fuck it. Almost like its ripping, or opening a hole. There's no choice were going right into it. It's not quite sure if we ripped the fabric ourselves, or there was already some kind of disturbance, but shits going wrong. We gotta wonder why shit went wrong. A simple explosion wouldn't tear the fabric of space. There was a freak accident and an atomic level, maybe.
You don't know what happened. You're out like a bad bulb. But you wake up and look around. You look at earth, hmm...looks a little hazy. You look at the moon. There's something down there. And it looks just like what you're in. But farther off is what appears to be a settlement. Humans have inhabited the moon. But we all knew this would happen. Didn't you? You can't connect to anyone via radio. Strange your radio doesn't even work. Why would it, you don't know what time your in, or if they even harness the same technology much less the same frequencies anymore. So you're fucked. But, no, you're in a theoretical wormhole my friend, like a train stopping at stations you're off again.
This time you wake up outside earth. But, that looks much to small for earth, in fact you can't even recognize any continents, or familiar weather patterns for that matter. Its a terraformed mars. Terraform? It's a process that takes roughly a century to a millennium depending on technology. Huge factories set up like humidifiers pump essential elements into the atmosphere. Over time creating oxygen, nitrogen, plants, liquid water, non-lethal weather patterns. And ultimately it would shove photosynthesis into a stable environment so it could take over for the factories. Though mars is a cold place. Farther from the sun, so at night it can get to 100 degrees below zero. Super duper fun. Ah yea and the polar caps there, thats water friends, meaning big possibility of life. Humans versus Marsans. Thats not a real word, but more confusing than martian. You can even see small cities when you look hard enough. And, you can't believe it but you see an ocean.
But only for a split second, cause you were pulled back into the wormhole. You stop briefly at another small planet. Its venus, halfway through being terraformed. You can only wonder how far into the future you really are. But a ship rushes passed you into the hole. And incredibly large ship. Hundreds of times the size of your oribter. You seem to be following it. To saturn. More specifically saturns moon titan. Why is the ship going down there? For the giant oceans of methane, ether and oils we use so sparingly. It's a private middle east in space. We humans sure do rock. Why not harvest another planets resources? Who's going to stop us? Were moving again.
This trip took quite a while. And you don't recognize a single terrestrial being. Not a one. But how could you? You're in space. You notice a planet below you, directly below you. It looks green, there seems to be water. But the atmosphere could be pure methane, or chlorine, or an undiscovered gas. To late you're trapped in its orbit. You're going down. And down, and down. You hit land. I hope you're all tingly, cause you're gonna die here. The sensors from your 1960's ship show sufficient oxygen level. You figure fuck it, we'll go anyway. Airs breathable, but humid. The land is thick with vegetation. You can hear insect like creatures. You've discovered alien life! But you're eaten. By a dinosaur. And that just goes to prove that dinosaurs are awesome. But you dreamt most of this because you surely would have either frozen out near saturn or burned up close to venus. Maybe you encountered a meteor, or a belt of meteors. But it's nice to think what could have happened.
So we travel through space on our rocket. Its a pretty neat rocket. And relatively fun. Save for the 3 or more hours a day working out to keep our bone density up, combating the zero gravity. And the space walks above a ridiculously gigantic, not quite infinite, abyss. The constant research, and eating food as it flows past you. Also, and the best part, the sub atomic particles and individual elemental molecules shooting around leftover from the big bang (or big bounce) supernovas, and stars and exploding planets. Probably the back end of black-holes that are quite possibly from another dimension. Ah, and these particles are moving fast. They'll flow right through your body without much notice. Except if they hit your eye, in which case you'll see the explosion on your eye. Oh and the space debris, heaps and heaps of trash, left behind from other missions, dead satellites, meteorites etc. These things are floating around and a good rate of speed inside our orbit just ready and waiting to fuck your shit up.
Then, zim zam zazzle, we're on the moon. Yea you can prance around in the no gravity, not to high, or you will literally never be heard from again. We pick up a few rocks, and some sandy moon dust. They won't really say what else they did up there. Did you know that the russians were the first to put a fucking rover on the moon, and it was basically a tank? Anyway, where should we split our timeline off. How about right when we get back to the orbiter. Having brought our lander safely back from the surface, we dock and get ready to go home. We didn't know a fuel line was fucked, really we didn't. The thrusters gets hit, to much gas. But this is different. We would notice a definite instability in the actual air itself at this point. I say air loosely because, as I'm assuming we all know, there is no air in space, there is literally nothing. Well dark matter but we don't know what that is so fuck it. Almost like its ripping, or opening a hole. There's no choice were going right into it. It's not quite sure if we ripped the fabric ourselves, or there was already some kind of disturbance, but shits going wrong. We gotta wonder why shit went wrong. A simple explosion wouldn't tear the fabric of space. There was a freak accident and an atomic level, maybe.
You don't know what happened. You're out like a bad bulb. But you wake up and look around. You look at earth, hmm...looks a little hazy. You look at the moon. There's something down there. And it looks just like what you're in. But farther off is what appears to be a settlement. Humans have inhabited the moon. But we all knew this would happen. Didn't you? You can't connect to anyone via radio. Strange your radio doesn't even work. Why would it, you don't know what time your in, or if they even harness the same technology much less the same frequencies anymore. So you're fucked. But, no, you're in a theoretical wormhole my friend, like a train stopping at stations you're off again.
This time you wake up outside earth. But, that looks much to small for earth, in fact you can't even recognize any continents, or familiar weather patterns for that matter. Its a terraformed mars. Terraform? It's a process that takes roughly a century to a millennium depending on technology. Huge factories set up like humidifiers pump essential elements into the atmosphere. Over time creating oxygen, nitrogen, plants, liquid water, non-lethal weather patterns. And ultimately it would shove photosynthesis into a stable environment so it could take over for the factories. Though mars is a cold place. Farther from the sun, so at night it can get to 100 degrees below zero. Super duper fun. Ah yea and the polar caps there, thats water friends, meaning big possibility of life. Humans versus Marsans. Thats not a real word, but more confusing than martian. You can even see small cities when you look hard enough. And, you can't believe it but you see an ocean.
But only for a split second, cause you were pulled back into the wormhole. You stop briefly at another small planet. Its venus, halfway through being terraformed. You can only wonder how far into the future you really are. But a ship rushes passed you into the hole. And incredibly large ship. Hundreds of times the size of your oribter. You seem to be following it. To saturn. More specifically saturns moon titan. Why is the ship going down there? For the giant oceans of methane, ether and oils we use so sparingly. It's a private middle east in space. We humans sure do rock. Why not harvest another planets resources? Who's going to stop us? Were moving again.
This trip took quite a while. And you don't recognize a single terrestrial being. Not a one. But how could you? You're in space. You notice a planet below you, directly below you. It looks green, there seems to be water. But the atmosphere could be pure methane, or chlorine, or an undiscovered gas. To late you're trapped in its orbit. You're going down. And down, and down. You hit land. I hope you're all tingly, cause you're gonna die here. The sensors from your 1960's ship show sufficient oxygen level. You figure fuck it, we'll go anyway. Airs breathable, but humid. The land is thick with vegetation. You can hear insect like creatures. You've discovered alien life! But you're eaten. By a dinosaur. And that just goes to prove that dinosaurs are awesome. But you dreamt most of this because you surely would have either frozen out near saturn or burned up close to venus. Maybe you encountered a meteor, or a belt of meteors. But it's nice to think what could have happened.
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