A Kid In King Arthurs Court

Having loved the movie "A Kid In King Arthur's Court" when I was younger, I decided to watch it again. For nostalgia's sake. Bad. Not what I remembered, at all. It ruined it for me. Maybe you've seen it. If not, let me explain it to you.

The movie starts with young Calvin Fuller being called up to bat. Getting shit from his teammates for not ever swinging for the ball. His sister even says "When you die I get your room". What a bitch. The pitcher also says that he's dead meat. Oh he's totally gonna ream him with the ball. No, three perfect pitches. Bad form failed child star, bad form. There's no confidence instilled in the viewer of our main character whatsoever. All I can think is that he's lucky he did American Pie. Oh yea, he's Kevin in American Pie too. In fact, I think his name is Kevin in every movie he's done. And no I don't know the actors name, don't really care.
Then seemingly out of nowhere a giant fucking earthquake. Earthquake=run like crazy, not back into the dugout for your backpack full of conveniently magical goodies to show off. So he falls into the hole that opens up, only in the dugout, no damage just a giant fucking hole. And when he falls through he goes BACK IN TIME! NO! Just...no.
Now he's falling, not screaming like he's falling through the center of the earth to meet a painful and untimely death. Just staring in awe seemingly aware he's going back in time. Then lands on a knight. A full on suit of armor I have a sword and kill shit knight. Unscathed.
"Where am I?" Thats all you have to say? Oh yea of course he stops the Black Knight who's stealing some sort of box. Assuming it's full of treasure. And the king is grateful and asks someone to bring him to him.
Ok, ok the guy he asks is the bad guy. His name is probably important but were only 5 minutes in, and they're speaking english. American accents too. Im to worried about historical inaccuracies to learn names anyway. Fuck off.
He makes his way to the court. "Are you the king?" "Yes son, I'm....King Arthur."
"Cool."
Cool?! FUCK YOU! You freak the hell out! You're back in time and you just met King Arthur. All you have to say to him is colloquial slang?
But then the ridiculous skunk haired, metro sexual bad guy calls him out on his honor. So Calvin gets to choose a mode of combat. He chooses "Combat Rock" Sigh...he pulls out a discman and puts the earbuds into two hollowed out horns and blasts some hair metal. Hair Metal. Thats so lame its amazing. Oh he's still wearing his baseball uniform. Don't know if I mentioned that. But the ancient people don't care, so why should you? Anyway, the king is wearing a t-shirt with a dragon on it and everyone immediately loves this random misfit who is nothing like them and appeared out of thin air from the future. Normal everyday time warp kinda stuff. They feed him a pigs nose. Hilarity.
Oh, and Kate Winslet is one of the princesses. Random as fuck.
So they decide to train him as a knight. And then the metro bad guy threatens to kill him in the bathroom.
Of course the younger princess, who's immediately smitten with him, walks in on him doing karate. She asks if he needs anything. He says, "How about a road map out of the middle ages, if I don't get back I'm gonna get grounded." I think they made the whole movie so they could put that line in there.
Where else could this go. Well to see Merlin, through the secret passage ways throughout the castle. Yea, and the torch goes out. Get your trusty flashlight and watch the medieval person stand in awe. No, she's cool with it. You see excalibur, he makes a CNN reference to her apparent understanding. And Merlin's alive, just in a well. He calls Merlin "Your Wetness", you don't know him dude, call him Merlin. I mean he's a fucking wizard. Regardless, Calvin is supposed to save Camelot, and Merlin brought him there.
Metro bad guy is in love with Kate Winslet. Who is the prize for whoever wins the tournament. But he's a total dick. We knew this though.
The younger princess kicks Calvin's ass with a stick and knocks him into a pond.
He makes his way to a blacksmith to get him to make a pair of roller blades for the princess. Note that no-one seems to notice this douche running around in a baseball uniform. The blacksmith makes the rollerblades...with rubber wheels. Now, were assuming Calvin is a chemistry wizard and can show an uneducated person how to make rubber, a revolutionary product, without repercussion. And everyone accepts them roller blading as normal. Lies.
Evil metro guy challenges Calvin to sword fight, and gets kicked in the junk. Now he decides to make dinner for the princess chick. In a cauldron mind you. What comes out of this cauldron? Big Macs. He made her a Big Mac. How?
As he's learning to joust, yes joust, he distracts them by saying there's a two headed dragon. And super glues himself to the saddle. He's getting out of hand.
There's a moment of sisterly love, and a giant dog (seriously huge) and Calvin gives Arthur some gum. No questions about it, he's just jawing away with a piece of gum that wont be made for a few hundred years. No worries.
Calvin goes back to the blacksmith to get him to make something else. Something he and the princess can use on their date. Yea they're dating. It's a bicycle, a bicycle to take them on their picnic. How romantic.
Princess is kidnapped, Arthur revels in a moment of self pity about not being able to brandish excalibur and Calvin listens. Calvin jacks excalibur.
Some random shit happens. Mostly plotting by evil metro guy, Calvin being framed and taking out armed, trained guards on his own.
Arthur and Calvin decide to do something about evil metro dude. By sliding down a garbage shoot onto a pile of shit and pigs. Calvin has to bring Arthur down to earth so they can do whatever mission it was they were doing. They don't really explain it, so i don't know. He reminds him this is the real, drive by shooting, mug you on the street to steal your Reeboks in your face world. Oh! But of course this is the way to get through to a 60 year old man in the 6th century. He knows exactly what the hell you're talking about. They're attacked by guards, who yell and grab onto their arms. That's it. YYYAARRRGHHH, I GOT YOUR ARM, WHAT ARE YOU GONNA DO NOW!! I'm gonna hit you with a bag full of clothes and knock you unconscious. Men of steel. Now they bond. It's obligatory, accept it.
They're busting her out of the dungeon. The suspense was dull.
So Calvin whips out a swiss army knife and picks the locks. He's apparently skilled. They're trapped by guards, Calvin's got excalibur, gives it to old man.
Again they make child's work out of the trained guards who are yelling and flailing around like ninnies. Yea, there's no other way to explain it than ninny. Now they're trapped. Whip out your discman Calvin! We all know that when you open it and turn it on it shoots out a laser that can blind the guard standing precariously on a cliff above the moat not in your way whatsoever! Yea, sure call it the great equalizer! Ah, and then he gets knighted.
Evil metro guy is foiled. Arthur lets him go but Calvin wants to kick his ass. Arthur stops him. This is where, apparently, they make a plan to rape evil metro guy. I'm not kidding. "Wait, we'll do him together. We'll nail him at the same time!"
Give candy to the good guy for no reason and receive over zealous praise, you go Calvin. The good guy is the one who trained him to be a knight, same guy thats in love with Kate Winslet.
The finals for the jousting. Good guy vs evil metro guy. Who could win?! Well, we'll assume good guy. But wait, evil metro guy has a fucking diamond on his helmet that blinds the rider and pisses off the horse. You're a sly devil. But good guy got knocked out. Shit, all hope is lost. Nah, Calvin's gonna ride in his place. BUT GETS HIS HEAD KNOCKED OFF! No just the helmet. Hilarious! Actually, it's black magic.
Evil metro loses. Wild applause. Evil metro is pissed, look at my dagger, you're screwed! The black knight appears with a crossbow. Saves the day.
Who is the black knight. Of course, it's fucking Kate Winslet. No-one cares, in fact lets be overjoyed with it.
It's about time to send Calvin the fuck home. Arthur wants the swiss army knife. Tearful goodbye with princess booty call.
How is he supposed to get home? Jump in the well that's full of the water that Merlin lives in. Not weird. Wait, it'll turn into a giant terrifying black hole.
FWOOSH! Back to the beginning, before he struck out. Now he's a cocky little shit.
What's gonna happen?!
Well the bat's name is excalibur and he, of fucking course, hits a homerun. WILD FUCKING APPLAUSE!
Who's that that ran home before me? Its princess booty call, and Arthur's in the stands widdling. What the shit?

There's really nothing else to say about the movie. Really.